


List Of Things Jenkins Is Not Allowed To Do

by Sinick



Category: Dishonored (Video Game)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Skippy's List
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-08
Updated: 2013-01-08
Packaged: 2017-11-24 04:37:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/630505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sinick/pseuds/Sinick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is all the fault of <a href="http://pathopharmacology.tumblr.com/tagged/chaotic-neutral-whalegods">pathopharmacology</a>, <a href="http://natagunn.tumblr.com/tagged/Sometimes-Nata-draws-things">natagunn</a>, and everyone else in the Dishonored fandom who have somehow made faceless extras interesting.</p><p>Their fanon about the Whalers in general and Jenkins being an asshole in particular, reminded me of that classic, <a href="http://skippyslist.com/list/">Skippy’s List.</a> So I adapted it for Jenkins and the Whalers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	List Of Things Jenkins Is Not Allowed To Do

## List Of Things Jenkins Is Not Allowed To Do

Not allowed to play “Wing the Weeper” when I’m supposed to be standing watch.

My proper military title is “Whaler” not “Screamer” or “Moaner”.

Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief in my threats by stealing bones from their potted whale meat and carving them.

Not allowed to ask Madam Prudence for a season pass to the Golden Cat.

Not allowed to ask Madam Prudence for employment at the Golden Cat.

Not allowed to play “Masked Felon” with suction-cup crossbow bolts and any other Whaler.

Not allowed to add “In accordance with the Outsider’s will” to the end of every statement.

Not allowed to add Daud’s picture to the “Masked Felon” wanted posters.

Not allowed to call my Assassin’s Blade “Mister Ouchy”.

Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul.

Not allowed to join the Loyalist Party.

Not allowed to join the Bottle Street Gang.

Not allowed to form a gang.

Not allowed to train adopted stray wolfhounds to lick Daud.

Must wear my mask even if it “cramps my pimp style”.

Daud would know if the Outsider were contradicting his orders.

May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Pendleton-Poker Polka” while on duty.

May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying slime, even if I’m right.

Must not make Serkonan jokes.

Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been drinking whale oil.

Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.

Not allowed to wake fellow Whalers by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

Not allowed to let Weepers take responsibility for any of my actions.

Not allowed to let Weepers take command of my post.

Our medic is Vin, not “Dr. Feelgood”.

Our quartermaster is Reynolds, not “Sugar Daddy”.

Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

Daud gave me my super-powers, not “Mr. Pratchett’s Canned Cocks”.

Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

I am not the atheist chaplain.

I am not allowed to “Go to Clavering Boulevard and shake daddy’s little money maker for coin stuffed into my undies”.

I am not authorized to fire officers.

I am not a citizen of Pandyssia and “those other, lesser isles”.

I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

Not allowed to trade Whaler equipment for “magic beans”.

Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”

The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence: Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, the Outsider’s coming so swim fast or drown, all Overseers are pedophiles, Gotterdammerung, Tyvian hooker, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.

“The Great Whale” is not at the top of my chain of command.

It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Whaler Jenkins.

Command decisions do not need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

I may not line my mask with tin foil to “Block out the funky Overseer dance music”.

May not pretend to be a member of the City Watch, the Overseers, or the Loyalists, while on duty.

I do not know the recipe to Sokolov’s Elixir.

Piero’s Spiritual Remedy is not a suppository, despite the shape of the phial.

I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.

Gimp masks are not acceptable substitutes for Whaler masks.

Neither are clown masks.

No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”.

Woad is not camouflage makeup.

Nor is river mud. Even if the smell makes the wolfhounds faint.

May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

“What shall we do with a drunken Whaler” is not an instructional manual.

The correct way of dealing with a City Watch checkpoint is not to tell them “I don’t need no steenkin’ badges.”

I may not cock block my chain of command.

I am neither the king nor queen of Morley.

Must not start any report with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”

Must not use ex-Tallboy stilts for can-can practice.

May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”.

If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

Must not refer to Daud as “Dad”.

Must not refer to Daud as “Mum”.

I am not authorized to initiate Armageddon.

I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

The proper response to an attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”

A smiley face is not used to mark a plague zone.

Springrazors are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new Whalers that they are.

Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are “casualties of war”.

I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

I may not trade my blade for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, elixirs, or pornographic flipbooks.

Never, ever, attempt to correct Daud about anything.

I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.

Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

“No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that an IV is acceptable.

“I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question.

Nibbles the rat is not authorized to countermand any orders.

The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast pornographic sound effects.

Shouting “Let’s do the district! Let’s do the whole fucking district!” while out on a mission is bad.

Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.

Putting red water into empty Sokolov’s Elixir vials is not funny.

The proper way to report to my Commander is “Jenkins, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”

I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.

If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

The revolution is not now.

When detained by the City Watch, I do not have a right to a strip search.

No part of the Whaler uniform is edible.

No part of a Whaler is edible, while on duty.

There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

I do not get “that time of month”.

No, the pants are not optional.

Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

Especially not pornographic flipbooks.

Not even if they **are** “especially patriotic”.

Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

Do not dare Dunwall natives to eat bugs. They will always do it.

The proper response to a briefing is not “That’s what you think”.

The whales are not in our chain of command. It is not necessary to salute oil tanks.

Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of non-Whalers who are “hearing the Outsider’s voice”.

Not allowed to give tattoos.

Not allowed to lead a coup during training missions.

I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

Must not valiantly push officers onto grenades to save the squad.

Pratchett’s Jellied Eels are not a personal lubricant.


End file.
